Let's get a bit more up to date

Well it's all over.  Basically he didn't want to give me much in settlement.  If he could have got away with paying nothing he would have done.

The second judge we saw told him that he had better get his act together and sort his accounts out.  Totally different to the first judge.  It has taken years for him to do his accounts.  This has caused most of the delays in this case.  There is no point trying to come to a settlement without financial details.  He was holding up everything.  He did ont comply with one court order to produce!!  He eventually got his accounts done and submitted.  He said he was drawing a little salary of c£7500.  This wouldn't even pay the mortgage for 6 months!!!

Since separation he hasn't paid a penny to me for child support.  Going to the CSA could have been avoided if he had bothered to pay anything.  I guess his new family is more important.  R already feels rejected by his family and this just compounds it further.

The CSA assessed him as having to pay £40/week for R and half care of H before her accident.  This is the minimum to pay for someone working (I think).  Eventually he ran up debts of £7300.  He sent accounts to CSA eventually and was reassessed as having to pay £6/week, then £15/week.  I asked for a variation because his lifestyle is inconsistent with his income.  His accounts show that he pays himself £25-35k of dividends.

The day before the final court hearing he got a phone call from CSA and he was informed that his debt was now £9500 and he has to pay  c£400/month until R is 19 and/or out of college.  Needless to say he isn't happy about that!!

Him and I had plenty of texts and emails trying to reach some sort of settlement prior to going to court.  It would be cheaper and hopefully less acrimonious.  I told him what I expected and we negotiated.  He has managed to get a re-mortgage on the house.  Goodness knows how!!  Apparently it was on a drive-by valuation, which put the house at £250k, far more than the £175k that several agents have valued it at!!  Not my problem.

In court the solicitors got together to bash out the final details before we before the judge.  She was happy with what we had agreed, with a few minor adjustments.  We signed a draft copy which will now be drawn up and signed.  My solicitor will apply for the decree absolute and then the consent order is in force.

So I can actually say that he is an ex.  And quite ironic I suppose that I changed my relationship status on what would have been our 22nd anniversary!!  He had changed his several days before to be "in an open relationship" with the tart.  This leaves him open to shagging other people I suppose.

He put it on Facebook that he apparently regards me as a cancerous growth that he's had removed!!  And he replied to one person that "if you only knew the artificial bullshit that we have been through with lack of cooperation and crap just to put my legal fees up - not to mention lies to the csa to extract more state sponsored terrorism - then you may well understand - it's not good but I got home from court to little x opening the door and shouting "My Daddy" - kind of sums it up for me really"

OMG This is so out of date!!!

I never actually realised how old this blog was!!  So much has happened since then.

• His child was born in Feb 2012
• I moved out of FMH on 21 March 2012 with two children
• Filed for, and was granted Decree Nisi
• Lots of to-ing and fro-ing over the summer.
• Lots of back stabbing - he is convinced that I basically break into the house and steal stuff!!
• Middle child had a serious car accident in September and nearly died.  She has very bad brain damage now.
• He moved his tart into our house in December 2012!!!
• He has not done any company accounts yet.
• He is financially screwed.
• He hasn't paid any maintenance for me or youngest
• He took the girls on holiday with them - but had a go at me beforehand and he told me that the girls were terrified of me!!
• His tart is expecting another child in January 2012!!!  I almost feel sorry for him in some way.  He is 44 years old; lives in a shithole of a house; with a child that isn't his; with the boy he has always wanted and with an ugly bitch expecting another child!!  He has been trapped so badly.
• The fight over finances is going to be hard.  Because the judge in the first hearing said that there was nothing to argue over and that I probably would get nothing at all, he has got that stuck in his head and has not considered anything else.

There are probably other things that I have forgotten. I might get round to updating it again soon.

Sorting my head

One of the main things to sort out in counselling is my inability to argue or to get angry or confrontational.  If I had been able to do this maybe he wouldn't have got away with all the stuff he had over the years. All the internet chatting, all the advertising himself, trying to get with other people.


I don't know why I can't get angry or confrontational.  It's probably something stuck in my head from when I was younger.  That's the conclusion at the moment. But what was it? 

Family Times

I wanted for my family what I never had growing up.


I wanted parents who loved each other and loved their children unconditionally.
I wanted family trips to the zoo and the beach.
I wanted games at home on a Sunday afternoon.
I wanted a father for them to play with and for him to teach them things.
I wanted to go for bike rides and picnics along the river as a family.
I wanted family holidays.


He had that with his family and doesn't know how special it is.  Suggestions were met with rejection and now it's too late.  It makes me so sad that our girls have grown up now and we have missed so much and can never get it back.

Financial Implications

Have I considered the financial implications of him being the father?  The answer is yes I have. He has lectured other people he knows on the responsibility of seeing their children and providing for them, even if they are not with the mother so he cannot not see this child.

Currently we have 2 girls and a grandson who are dependants.  I don't know how that leaves me financially.  His finances are fucked!!  He cannot organise them to save his life.  He lives for the moment and does not plan for the future.  This has been quite obvious for a long time, ever since I have known him really.  He gets money and spends it, mostly on himself (after mortgage, etc) and saves nothing for lean times.  


When he was unemployed for seven months last time I swore I would not allow him to do it to us again, but it did happen and for a year this time.

Counselling

I wonder if there is any point in going to couple's counselling?  Maybe it's something we should consider.  He saw a counsellor last year and I started last week.  My counsellor said we should consider couples therapy.  Maybe it would clear the air to have an impartial advisor to referee us :)


On the other hand, is there any point?  We will just keep going over the same things again and again.  I am boring, I don't do anything, I never make an effort, all the effort comes from him.

Respect

I am struggling with the apparent total lack of respect that I seem to get.  


Yesterday I found out he was in the pub at the same time as her, with some mutual friends.  When I say he was in the pub at the same time as her, I mean they were together in the same group.  It is a mixture of people from the outdoor activity group and dj's who now come on a Thursday night to the same pub.  She knows people from both groups and it is inevitable that the groups get together.  It's a regular thing and she always seems to be there. Of course, I was really hacked off with this, was really miserable and we had words.  Well sort of - he talked and I sulked :(  Not very helpful but I wanted to wallow in self-pity for a while.


He doesn't seem to understand that it is my feelings that are being hurt by this. He turns it back on me and asks me what I want him to do about it!!!  He asks if I want him to give up DJ'ing and doing an outdoor activity group because that is where the mutual friends come into it.  


He says that it will look a bit strange if he suddenly stops going.  But I don't understand why he can't say he is not going for a couple of weeks (hasn't got money, needs to do accounts, any reason really).  All the more reason for him to give it up. He is not giving your marriage a chance.  Do the people he goes with know?  Do they think it's acceptable?  If they do, how can they possibly think it is ok?


I still don't understand why his brother was there - he never goes on a Thursday.  I reckon he phoned him.  He said his brother wanted to talk to her and she ran away screaming when he got there!!  I smell some sort of bullshit going on.  I asked why I didn't get an invite to the little family gathering.  I was asked why I wanted to go.  Was it to make a scene, did I want to have a fight with her, did I want to embarrass myself, the DofE people, him?  Why shouldn't I want to make a scene?  Why shouldn't other people know what he has done?  How long does he think it can be kept quiet?


Other people's feelings and opinions are obviously more important than mine. I don't know how many other people know that he slept with her. Of course he doesn't think it isn't his fault that he slept with her - he was coerced into it somehow (he obviously hasn't got any self-will or self-control nor does his cock).  He is unwilling to accept responsibility for anything - for the baby, for us, for her, for my feelings.  Nothing is his fault.


How can he not see it was an affair if he made her pregnant?  Of course he says he was trapped into it.  I don't know exactly what happened but how can someone be trapped into shagging someone or getting them pregnant.  What did she make him do - wank into a cup and pour it in?  He does not see that he had an emotional affair before he actually slept with her.  He is deluded.  Of course he will be wondering if he actually is the father until it is born and a DNA test is done.  Either way - he still slept with her.

I don't think he is sorry this happened.  I think he is sorry he got caught in the situation but he has no real intention of changing anything in his life to make me feel better.  His doctor said that she also thought he had been trapped.  I only have his word for that, and he will only tell what he wants of what went on.  The doctor said that even if he had used a condom, it may have split or failed some other way.  That's fine, but the chances of that happening are so small if he really did only shag her once!!  Much less likely than not using one at all.

I am in a no-win situation here.  Damned if I stay, damned if I go.  Fucked either way.