And it continues

This was still all done by text but he said he is currently in a marriage with someone that he wants to go out with, stay in with and have sex with.  Me on the other hand does not want to go out, stay in or spend any time with him and I cannot pretend that I am not faultless. I have never intimated that I am faultless.

I told him that he has been looking for something else for many years and did he not think that could be part of the reason for making me feel inadequate. I said I have put up with it for a long time and this was the final straw. 

He said that an occasional yes rather than a guaranteed no was all he wanted. 

I said it was also the fact that I have to do everything. He thinks he does everything but does nothing and that I am nothing more than a doormat. An occasional being nice to me wouldn't have gone amiss.

He said he had wanted to talk to me about life for years and has mentioned that things have not been good and was told to go f himself!! He wanted to tell me about the baby thing but was hoping to hear whether she was keeping it or not. She will most likely keep it with fucks his situation more which he says actually fucks mine as well!!

I told him that I poured my heart out to him in a letter years ago and he just ignored me. Why should I bother thinking that I could talk to him about anything else. 

He then said that we could continue arguing about who ignored who the most but that is hardly helping.

I agreed and said it was time to call it a day. No matter what has happened or who thinks they are the most hard done by, I cannot forgive or forget this.

He spent 45 minutes on the phone to his mum's house between some of the texts yesterday. He says that his mum does not know so I presume he was talking to his brother.

He didn't get in till gone midnight last night (probably later). I went to bed about 1130. I slept fitfully and gave up and went in the youngest's bed at 530 this morning.

We didn't speak more than a few words this morning. I don't know what tonight will bring.

I have got a banging headache today that just won't shift.  I have sent him an email with a link to my blog to give him some idea of what I have been through the last couple of months. Don't know what difference it will make though!


Just got back from the Sexual Health clinic. I felt such a fool for being there. I know they are probably used to seeing people like me but I am not used to being in a place like that. I am too old for that sort of thing (or so I thought) It was nice, don't get me wrong, but full of younger people.   I wasn't bothered about being tested urgently because I know I am clean. But after thinking about the fact that she is pregnant and that meaning that unprotected sex has taken place and she has been single for a year, doing god knows what, I started to panic!! Anyway they are testing for all sorts, just in case. Results will come through in a couple of weeks. At least I will know one way or another.

On a positive note - my headache has gone thanks to caffeine, extra strong paracetamol and ibruprofen all together!!

Ho hum onwards and upwards!

The Deed is Done

Well the deed is done. I put a couple of status updates on my FB, one saying d-day soon and the other saying dirty bit. The first related to uni and the second to a song. He text me saying that he assumed the updates were about us. 

I explained what they were and asked if he had something on his mind to make him think they were. He said he had but so did I and that his main problem was that he didn't feel anything anymore.


I said that still didn't answer my question. He said it kind of did. And he said I could hardly look at him or talk to him anymore.

I simply said that maybe I couldn't at the moment. He asked why that was. I said "this is a conversation. Maybe you could man up and drop it into it" and not to turn it on me. This was a reference to the conversation that was between him and another person. He said he wasn't sure what I was saying. 

Then I told him they story of the married man who thought it was fun to mess with a woman half his age and get her pregnant. I did then tell him that I had not wanted to do this in a text conversation. He said that was probably a fair comment and perhaps we should talk when he gets home (after doing a gig). I asked him if this was what he had expected me to say and don't forget to phone her and tell her that I know. He said he would rather not.

I asked him how many other people know and he said him, his brother, her, whoever she has told and whoever told me. I know that more people know, certainly of her friends.

He said he is still trying to convince her to get rid of it but that if she know I know then she may well keep it anyway.

I then told him that I don't care either way. As far as I was concerned our marriage is over.

He said that was his concern but I hadn't wanted to go out or stay in with or have married relations with him for years.

I told him I was not going to have this turned on me and have him make it my fault. The only thing I am guilty of is not saying something sooner and being a doormat.

I haven't heard any more yet - but he is at work.

I feel like shit.


He won't be home until midnight I expect, after his disco.

Conversation Starter?

Well, he hasn't said anything to me.  But the eldest is still here so he probably wouldn't.


I am running it through in my mind because he is not going to tell me.


Maybe I should ask him if he wants to hear a funny story about a married man that I heard who got a woman pregnant.
Or should it be


"Here's a conversation, feel free to drop in at any time - how was your day at work dear?"


Do I do it by text, by email or in person?


However it happens, it's not going to be easy.


I told another friend today.  She asked me if I was ok and I just broke down and told her what has been going on.


It's the final straw that has broken me.  I could just about cope with internet stuff, chat and even trying to arrange meet-ups.  But this is a step too far.


I have got to do something soon because it is killing me.  I am a wreck.  I am so glad that the girls aren't at home this week.  The youngest is at her boyfriends with the baby, the middle one is in and out at college and work and the eldest is only here for 24 hours recovering after her operation.  She will be off home later.

It's so easy - not

It's so easy for everyone to say "kick him out", "get rid of him", "I wouldn't put up with it", "this is what you should do", "leave him".  It's so easy when you are looking in on someone else's life but not when it's your own.  You have an emotional tie to your own life - not to someone else's.


I know all that but it is still not easy at all.  I have been with this man for most of my life, all of my adult life and have known nothing else.  In some strange way I suppose I still love him but I cannot live with him at all any more.  The thought of what he did just makes my skin crawl and the tears start afresh.


One person says just leave, another says kick him out, I don't know what to do - it's his home as well.  Memories are here - both good and bad.


My girls are now my life.  I would do any thing to protect them.  It's going to be hard on them as well.  They know their father is not perfect, but he is still their father.  They know he is a twat but he is still their father.


I've got to deal with this now.  


I've got to be strong.


I've got to put myself first for a change.

Idiot

You are fucking her.  And she is pregnant!!!!  What a fucking idiot.  She is nearly half your age.    What is she? 24/25/26 and you are 42!!!


Part of me wants to laugh at you and part of me wants to rip your balls off.  Whatever possessed you to go there?  Don't tell me - my wife doesn't understand me, I don't get much at home, we don't have sex any more.


I metaphorically want to kill you and her.  That poor little bastard.  I bet she won't get rid of it.  How are you going to explain to to your mum that she will have another grandchild, but it will be 15 years younger and not belonging to your wife!!!  Maybe you'll get the boy you always wanted that I was incapable of producing for you (failure again).


Do you want Sarah?  Does she want you?  She is welcome to you.  She is welcome to everything that goes with you.


If she doesn't want you - where does that leave you.  Not with me that's for certain.  I could not live the rest of my life knowing that you cared so little about me that you fathered a child while you were still married to me.  That is the ultimate betrayal.  I can just about come to terms with that fact that you have had sex with someone else whilst married to me.  I did not know this other person, it was a long time ago and I have come to terms with it now.  But this is something totally different, too close to home for there to be any resurrection of our marriage.


I did not expect to get to 43 years old and have to be thinking about going to get myself checked for STI's!!!!!!  Thanks a bunch for that.


I hate the thought of having to tell people.  It crossed my mind to update my status to let everyone know if you haven't told me by the middle of this week, .  I soon changed my mind when I realised that it would not be fair on the girls to find out this way.  It is going to be hard enough already.


How are you going to tell me?  As you say, it's not something you can just drop into the conversation, is it?  "I've had a good day at work and, by the way, I have fucked someone else and they are pregnant.  How was your day, dear?"  Won't work, will it?


I hope you have been thinking about how to tell them.  I hope you are shitting yourself about it.


25/6/11

What am I?

Mug

Walk over

Push over

Idiot

Fool

Stupid

Naive

Ostrich

Trusting

That’s what I am.  That’s how you have got away with it for so long.

24/6/11

Was it worth it?

Was it worth it?  

Was she good?  

How many times did you fuck her?  

How many people are laughing at me?  

Did you have a good laugh at my expense?  Poor stupid cow sitting at home.  She won’t know.  

How long is it going to be until you tell me?  

How many other people know about you and her?  

Were you fucking her when we met for lunch?  

I should have followed my instincts.  I have not been wrong so far, just never followed them up.

How are you going to explain this to your mum, to your friends, to our children?  

You are a fucking idiot and you can fuck off.  I have had enough of worrying about what you are doing.  I am trying to behave normally but it is so hard to do.  

I feel sick every time I kiss you.  I don’t want to feel that but I do.  I imagine you kissing her and it makes me want to punch you.  

It’s taken all the strength I have not to go to where she works and thump her. 

I will wait for you to tell me.  I want to make you suffer and have to tell me yourself.

24/6/11

It's all gone Pete Tong!!!!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

That’s all I’ve got to say.

It’s worse than I could ever have imagined!!!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

It's so difficult

I am finding it very difficult to be anything resembling affectionate towards you at the moment.  

I reckon this is because I know you are on the lookout for someone or something else, not me.  That makes it very confusing.  As soon as you knew you were going to Portsmouth, you were looking and inviting straightaway.

Makes me feel really good and not unwanted at all!!!!

21/6/11

Why do I bother?

I wonder why I bother.  

Been down the pub?  

Had to take Sarah home?  Her status said she was going to bed.  

She came in specially for you and had no intention of going home with Marc otherwise she would have come in with him.  

What the fuck are you playing at?  How did she get from the train station?  Did you pick her up?  Was it just you and her on the way home or did you take Rob home as well?  I doubt it somehow.

09/6/11

My Fault

No matter what happens, it will probably be my fault.  I am too fat, I am too boring, I can’t be bothered.  All probably true but I have been worn down.

What is it with swingers clubs?  

I now find you have been to another one.  Not just the one in Newport but one near London as well!!!  I know you have been because of one of the websites you belong to.  

Yay, another obsession to add to your list.  Do you remember when it was the Church?  You were obsessed with it and wanted to visit.  You were always on their website, trying to hook up with someone.  I think we only went to Newport for our anniversary weekend because you thought you could get me to go there.  What other reason was there to go to such a strange place?

Whatever you want, you get, in the material sense.  

Amateur radio, a motor bike, sheds, flying, disco equipment, computer equipment, tents, cameras, watches, your car, your leather suite.  Thousands and thousands of pounds spent!!!  

You always have to have the best, the most expensive.  

I don’t say anything about it because you would get it anyway!!  

We were supposed to get a new bathroom when we re-mortgaged.  No such luck.  The extra money was spent on the car.  

20 years I have been waiting to get some of the decorating done – that’s never going to happen, is it?

02/06/11

How long?

It’s been going on for years with one person or another.

Tracy James, Coca-cola girl, Ella and many more I can’t remember the names of.  Ones I haven’t caught you with.  Trying to arrange meet-ups and sex.  

I have had enough of it now.

You have only been in your job for 2 days and already you are trying to meet another woman.  

And what is it with this Sarah?  

How does she fit in to it? 

Are you aiming to fuck her? 

I don’t actually care anymore.  You have worn me down.  

In one of your conversations with one tart, you said you had only had sex with two people.  Who is the other person?

02/6/11

In my head?

There are so many things going through my head.  

I know so much, I have read so so much but cannot prove any of it.  

Why did I throw all that stuff away years ago?  

I know why – because I didn’t think I would need it any more.  I didn't want to think about it any more.

I printed off reams and reams of conversations between you and Tracy James about meeting up when you were in Bromley.  But it’s gone now.  

Been reading about emotional unfaithfulness.  It’s you exactly!!!!  Great.


I have a permanent knot in my stomach.

I feel sick.  

I talk arguments through in my head.  

I know exactly what I want to say but don’t have the courage.  

I don’t want to know the truth but not knowing is sometimes worse.

01/6/11