One of the main things to sort out in counselling is my inability to argue or to get angry or confrontational. If I had been able to do this maybe he wouldn't have got away with all the stuff he had over the years. All the internet chatting, all the advertising himself, trying to get with other people.
I don't know why I can't get angry or confrontational. It's probably something stuck in my head from when I was younger. That's the conclusion at the moment. But what was it?
Wednesday 20 July 2011
Tuesday 19 July 2011
Family Times
I wanted for my family what I never had growing up.
I wanted parents who loved each other and loved their children unconditionally.
I wanted family trips to the zoo and the beach.
I wanted games at home on a Sunday afternoon.
I wanted a father for them to play with and for him to teach them things.
I wanted to go for bike rides and picnics along the river as a family.
I wanted family holidays.
He had that with his family and doesn't know how special it is. Suggestions were met with rejection and now it's too late. It makes me so sad that our girls have grown up now and we have missed so much and can never get it back.
I wanted parents who loved each other and loved their children unconditionally.
I wanted family trips to the zoo and the beach.
I wanted games at home on a Sunday afternoon.
I wanted a father for them to play with and for him to teach them things.
I wanted to go for bike rides and picnics along the river as a family.
I wanted family holidays.
He had that with his family and doesn't know how special it is. Suggestions were met with rejection and now it's too late. It makes me so sad that our girls have grown up now and we have missed so much and can never get it back.
Monday 18 July 2011
Financial Implications
Have I considered the financial implications of him being the father? The answer is yes I have. He has lectured other people he knows on the responsibility of seeing their children and providing for them, even if they are not with the mother so he cannot not see this child.
Currently we have 2 girls and a grandson who are dependants. I don't know how that leaves me financially. His finances are fucked!! He cannot organise them to save his life. He lives for the moment and does not plan for the future. This has been quite obvious for a long time, ever since I have known him really. He gets money and spends it, mostly on himself (after mortgage, etc) and saves nothing for lean times.
When he was unemployed for seven months last time I swore I would not allow him to do it to us again, but it did happen and for a year this time.
When he was unemployed for seven months last time I swore I would not allow him to do it to us again, but it did happen and for a year this time.
Sunday 17 July 2011
Counselling
I wonder if there is any point in going to couple's counselling? Maybe it's something we should consider. He saw a counsellor last year and I started last week. My counsellor said we should consider couples therapy. Maybe it would clear the air to have an impartial advisor to referee us :)
On the other hand, is there any point? We will just keep going over the same things again and again. I am boring, I don't do anything, I never make an effort, all the effort comes from him.
On the other hand, is there any point? We will just keep going over the same things again and again. I am boring, I don't do anything, I never make an effort, all the effort comes from him.
Friday 15 July 2011
Respect
I am struggling with the apparent total lack of respect that I seem to get.
Yesterday I found out he was in the pub at the same time as her, with some mutual friends. When I say he was in the pub at the same time as her, I mean they were together in the same group. It is a mixture of people from the outdoor activity group and dj's who now come on a Thursday night to the same pub. She knows people from both groups and it is inevitable that the groups get together. It's a regular thing and she always seems to be there. Of course, I was really hacked off with this, was really miserable and we had words. Well sort of - he talked and I sulked :( Not very helpful but I wanted to wallow in self-pity for a while.
He doesn't seem to understand that it is my feelings that are being hurt by this. He turns it back on me and asks me what I want him to do about it!!! He asks if I want him to give up DJ'ing and doing an outdoor activity group because that is where the mutual friends come into it.
He says that it will look a bit strange if he suddenly stops going. But I don't understand why he can't say he is not going for a couple of weeks (hasn't got money, needs to do accounts, any reason really). All the more reason for him to give it up. He is not giving your marriage a chance. Do the people he goes with know? Do they think it's acceptable? If they do, how can they possibly think it is ok?
I still don't understand why his brother was there - he never goes on a Thursday. I reckon he phoned him. He said his brother wanted to talk to her and she ran away screaming when he got there!! I smell some sort of bullshit going on. I asked why I didn't get an invite to the little family gathering. I was asked why I wanted to go. Was it to make a scene, did I want to have a fight with her, did I want to embarrass myself, the DofE people, him? Why shouldn't I want to make a scene? Why shouldn't other people know what he has done? How long does he think it can be kept quiet?
Other people's feelings and opinions are obviously more important than mine. I don't know how many other people know that he slept with her. Of course he doesn't think it isn't his fault that he slept with her - he was coerced into it somehow (he obviously hasn't got any self-will or self-control nor does his cock). He is unwilling to accept responsibility for anything - for the baby, for us, for her, for my feelings. Nothing is his fault.
How can he not see it was an affair if he made her pregnant? Of course he says he was trapped into it. I don't know exactly what happened but how can someone be trapped into shagging someone or getting them pregnant. What did she make him do - wank into a cup and pour it in? He does not see that he had an emotional affair before he actually slept with her. He is deluded. Of course he will be wondering if he actually is the father until it is born and a DNA test is done. Either way - he still slept with her.
Yesterday I found out he was in the pub at the same time as her, with some mutual friends. When I say he was in the pub at the same time as her, I mean they were together in the same group. It is a mixture of people from the outdoor activity group and dj's who now come on a Thursday night to the same pub. She knows people from both groups and it is inevitable that the groups get together. It's a regular thing and she always seems to be there. Of course, I was really hacked off with this, was really miserable and we had words. Well sort of - he talked and I sulked :( Not very helpful but I wanted to wallow in self-pity for a while.
He doesn't seem to understand that it is my feelings that are being hurt by this. He turns it back on me and asks me what I want him to do about it!!! He asks if I want him to give up DJ'ing and doing an outdoor activity group because that is where the mutual friends come into it.
He says that it will look a bit strange if he suddenly stops going. But I don't understand why he can't say he is not going for a couple of weeks (hasn't got money, needs to do accounts, any reason really). All the more reason for him to give it up. He is not giving your marriage a chance. Do the people he goes with know? Do they think it's acceptable? If they do, how can they possibly think it is ok?
I still don't understand why his brother was there - he never goes on a Thursday. I reckon he phoned him. He said his brother wanted to talk to her and she ran away screaming when he got there!! I smell some sort of bullshit going on. I asked why I didn't get an invite to the little family gathering. I was asked why I wanted to go. Was it to make a scene, did I want to have a fight with her, did I want to embarrass myself, the DofE people, him? Why shouldn't I want to make a scene? Why shouldn't other people know what he has done? How long does he think it can be kept quiet?
Other people's feelings and opinions are obviously more important than mine. I don't know how many other people know that he slept with her. Of course he doesn't think it isn't his fault that he slept with her - he was coerced into it somehow (he obviously hasn't got any self-will or self-control nor does his cock). He is unwilling to accept responsibility for anything - for the baby, for us, for her, for my feelings. Nothing is his fault.
How can he not see it was an affair if he made her pregnant? Of course he says he was trapped into it. I don't know exactly what happened but how can someone be trapped into shagging someone or getting them pregnant. What did she make him do - wank into a cup and pour it in? He does not see that he had an emotional affair before he actually slept with her. He is deluded. Of course he will be wondering if he actually is the father until it is born and a DNA test is done. Either way - he still slept with her.
I don't think he is sorry this happened. I think he is sorry he got caught in the situation but he has no real intention of changing anything in his life to make me feel better. His doctor said that she also thought he had been trapped. I only have his word for that, and he will only tell what he wants of what went on. The doctor said that even if he had used a condom, it may have split or failed some other way. That's fine, but the chances of that happening are so small if he really did only shag her once!! Much less likely than not using one at all.
I am in a no-win situation here. Damned if I stay, damned if I go. Fucked either way.
I am in a no-win situation here. Damned if I stay, damned if I go. Fucked either way.
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Talking Therapies
Well, I had a good chat with the Talking Therapies guy today.
I think I've opened a can of worms with regard to my early life. He made me remember and realise things that I thought I had forgotten about. Things that have a bearing on who I am now and why I do things that I do.
He has suggested couples counselling, whether we split or stay. He thinks it will probably be beneficial to both of us to talk and make sure we are making the right decisions for the right reasons. Even if we split up, I would like it to be amicable, mostly because we have so many friends in common and I don't want the girls to think that they are stuck in the middle of two parents that hate each other, which we don't.
We discussed the main reason for me coming to see him. Originally it was because I thought he was having an affair and of course it turned out far worse than that!! I want to talk through my feelings with someone who specialises in getting people to talk and asking the right questions.
In hindsight I should have confronted him when he was advertising himself on the internet and let him know in no uncertain terms that it was not to happen again. But I didn't because I wanted the quiet life with no arguments.
My problem appears to be two fold. 1. my mother screwed me over for life with her actions when I was younger and 2. my husband has got some narcissistic tendencies that prevent me from ever "winning" with anything and him always having to be right.
A few years ago, we had an argument because I happened to mention and want to talk a bit about being a civilian observer on a Friday or Saturday night in town (seeing what they get up to and what they have to deal with). He has a problem with authority at the moment (police, tax men, etc) because of their "silly rules that prevent anyone from doing anything". He could not understand why I wanted to do this and stormed off, leaving me in tears trailing behind him in the middle of the night. All because he cannot, or does not want to, see anyone else's viewpoint.
His way is the only way - everyone else is wrong. Everyone has to want to go out to a loud pub to talk, everyone else is boring because they want to go somewhere quieter and talk. It's even for simple things such as what programmes are put on a computer, how the other dj's work, how I do the washing (!!). I just ignore him most of the time now - it's not worth the hassle of arguing about it. All these point towards a need for power and him having some narcissistic traits. Some of the things that he wants from our relationship (sex-wise) point towards him needing power. Hmm - there should be a few more interesting sessions with the counsellor!!!
Even as I type this I know this is all one-sided and there is always another side to think about. However, this blog is about me and my feelings, not worrying about other people feelings, like I always have done in the past. I spend too much time worrying about other people and not enough time thinking about me and my feelings and emotions.
I think I've opened a can of worms with regard to my early life. He made me remember and realise things that I thought I had forgotten about. Things that have a bearing on who I am now and why I do things that I do.
He has suggested couples counselling, whether we split or stay. He thinks it will probably be beneficial to both of us to talk and make sure we are making the right decisions for the right reasons. Even if we split up, I would like it to be amicable, mostly because we have so many friends in common and I don't want the girls to think that they are stuck in the middle of two parents that hate each other, which we don't.
We discussed the main reason for me coming to see him. Originally it was because I thought he was having an affair and of course it turned out far worse than that!! I want to talk through my feelings with someone who specialises in getting people to talk and asking the right questions.
In hindsight I should have confronted him when he was advertising himself on the internet and let him know in no uncertain terms that it was not to happen again. But I didn't because I wanted the quiet life with no arguments.
My problem appears to be two fold. 1. my mother screwed me over for life with her actions when I was younger and 2. my husband has got some narcissistic tendencies that prevent me from ever "winning" with anything and him always having to be right.
A few years ago, we had an argument because I happened to mention and want to talk a bit about being a civilian observer on a Friday or Saturday night in town (seeing what they get up to and what they have to deal with). He has a problem with authority at the moment (police, tax men, etc) because of their "silly rules that prevent anyone from doing anything". He could not understand why I wanted to do this and stormed off, leaving me in tears trailing behind him in the middle of the night. All because he cannot, or does not want to, see anyone else's viewpoint.
His way is the only way - everyone else is wrong. Everyone has to want to go out to a loud pub to talk, everyone else is boring because they want to go somewhere quieter and talk. It's even for simple things such as what programmes are put on a computer, how the other dj's work, how I do the washing (!!). I just ignore him most of the time now - it's not worth the hassle of arguing about it. All these point towards a need for power and him having some narcissistic traits. Some of the things that he wants from our relationship (sex-wise) point towards him needing power. Hmm - there should be a few more interesting sessions with the counsellor!!!
Even as I type this I know this is all one-sided and there is always another side to think about. However, this blog is about me and my feelings, not worrying about other people feelings, like I always have done in the past. I spend too much time worrying about other people and not enough time thinking about me and my feelings and emotions.
I don't know whether I feel better or worse after seeing him. Time will tell I suppose. I have another 5 weeks with him.
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Still Hanging In There
Well I am still hanging in there, just about. No further forward, no further back. I've still got everything on hold until tomorrow when I see the Talking Therapies man and try to make some sort of sense of it in my head. I am still veering between rage and tears.
On the upside - I had a fab day out with a friend on Saturday. We went shopping and ate cakes. Just a normal day with a lovely friend who I can talk to about nothing and about more serious things.
I had a chat with his brother at the weekend. He can't believe what has happened either. He had problems with his marriage and his wife left (very long story). He says that trust will form a major part of any future relationships that he has. He said that once trust has gone, what is there. I have to agree somewhat with this.
I am going out with my MIL for lunch today. I am looking forward to that.
On the upside - I had a fab day out with a friend on Saturday. We went shopping and ate cakes. Just a normal day with a lovely friend who I can talk to about nothing and about more serious things.
I had a chat with his brother at the weekend. He can't believe what has happened either. He had problems with his marriage and his wife left (very long story). He says that trust will form a major part of any future relationships that he has. He said that once trust has gone, what is there. I have to agree somewhat with this.
I am going out with my MIL for lunch today. I am looking forward to that.
Friday 8 July 2011
Keep On Swimming
Well, he has told the girls that we are having problems and are trying to work it out but we don't know if we will. He was with 2 of them, alone and it seemed like the right thing to do. He says they took it quite well. I think they know that things have not been rosy between us for a while anyway. I'm not sure how they will cope as time goes on but they have each other. I never really knew why my parents divorced, probably because of my mother's infidelity, but not actually certain. I spoke to the middle daughter earlier in the day when we were together. She is having problems with her boyfriend and was talking to me about them and it just seemed appropriate.
He then told me that she is definitely keeping it and should he go the whole hog and tell the girls about that. I told him no because only 2 of them were there and it would not be fair on them. I think we need to see how we go before dropping any more bombshells on them.
I got a piece of advice the other day about looking forward five years from now and imagine how I want your life to be. "If it's with him then go for it .... if not then make the changes.... just work through your feelings and do it for YOU. No-one really knows what anyone else's marriage is really like - but take your time to decide what's best for you." This is where it becomes difficult because, despite all his faults, I still cannot actually imagine living without him. Or maybe I just can't at the moment. But I cannot imagine continuing with the knowledge that he has a child with another woman :(
He then told me that she is definitely keeping it and should he go the whole hog and tell the girls about that. I told him no because only 2 of them were there and it would not be fair on them. I think we need to see how we go before dropping any more bombshells on them.
I got a piece of advice the other day about looking forward five years from now and imagine how I want your life to be. "If it's with him then go for it .... if not then make the changes.... just work through your feelings and do it for YOU. No-one really knows what anyone else's marriage is really like - but take your time to decide what's best for you." This is where it becomes difficult because, despite all his faults, I still cannot actually imagine living without him. Or maybe I just can't at the moment. But I cannot imagine continuing with the knowledge that he has a child with another woman :(
Tuesday 5 July 2011
Making Sense
I am still here - still trying to make sense of everything.
I have finally got an appointment to see a counsellor. It was supposed to be at the end of the month but has been brought forward to next week. I might actually be able to get things sorted out in my own mind as to what I want to happen.
I think that after speaking to a counsellor I will be able to move forward with my life. At the moment I am still thinking of everyone else and not necessarily myself. I have got to face telling my mother, my dad and grandparents!! Not looking forward to that.
She BBM'd him yesterday to tell him she had been to the midwife. He said that he wasn't convinced that she was pregnant. She then invited him over to do a test. Surely she wouldn't do this if she wasn't pregnant? He told her that he wanted a DNA test. Apparently she is about 9 weeks pregnant. I think the chances of her terminating are now very small.
He said last night that one of the women he knows from DJ'ing asked him a while ago if he was shagging her. I think he is finally coming round to realising that he was actually having a relationship with her, not just a bit of fun and banter as he saw it in his mind. Obviously people around him could see that there was an emotional relationship between them, even if it was not physical. I want to know what happened but I don't (if that makes sense). I have reiterated time and time again to him though that I cannot get over the fact that he has slept with another woman. Even if this woman had not got pregnant, she would have been the end of our relationship because he was emotionally involved with her. If he had a one night stand, maybe it would be easier to deal with?
He has told me that I can ask anything about anything and he will tell me. He does not see the point of lying or beating around the bush now!! I don't know if I want answers to some questions.
I have finally got an appointment to see a counsellor. It was supposed to be at the end of the month but has been brought forward to next week. I might actually be able to get things sorted out in my own mind as to what I want to happen.
I think that after speaking to a counsellor I will be able to move forward with my life. At the moment I am still thinking of everyone else and not necessarily myself. I have got to face telling my mother, my dad and grandparents!! Not looking forward to that.
She BBM'd him yesterday to tell him she had been to the midwife. He said that he wasn't convinced that she was pregnant. She then invited him over to do a test. Surely she wouldn't do this if she wasn't pregnant? He told her that he wanted a DNA test. Apparently she is about 9 weeks pregnant. I think the chances of her terminating are now very small.
He said last night that one of the women he knows from DJ'ing asked him a while ago if he was shagging her. I think he is finally coming round to realising that he was actually having a relationship with her, not just a bit of fun and banter as he saw it in his mind. Obviously people around him could see that there was an emotional relationship between them, even if it was not physical. I want to know what happened but I don't (if that makes sense). I have reiterated time and time again to him though that I cannot get over the fact that he has slept with another woman. Even if this woman had not got pregnant, she would have been the end of our relationship because he was emotionally involved with her. If he had a one night stand, maybe it would be easier to deal with?
He has told me that I can ask anything about anything and he will tell me. He does not see the point of lying or beating around the bush now!! I don't know if I want answers to some questions.
Monday 4 July 2011
Of Course I Have Problems Too
You were eager to help T with her problems but when I found out about practically running sex therapy sessions with her and then wrote you that letter because you would not or could not discuss it. I told you that I had been probably been abused when I was younger, a teenager. You did not care enough to talk to me about it – it was just brushed under the carpet as if I did not exist. Again, you wonder why I have problems talking to you or anyone!!!! You wonder why I have problems in that department. Again – failure!!!! I might as well have it tattooed on my head so that everyone knows. Great - another day spent in tears again. I've got to pull myself together ready for Brownies tonight.
Failure
It’s so nice to know that you are a failure. I have always known that I am but to be told it is heartbreaking. I went to bed last night with the word FAILURE going round in my head. Just that word FAILURE. Stupid, useless failure. FAILURE!!!
Failure as a wife, failure as a friend, failure as a mother, just a failure.
Yeah great - another night crying myself to sleep.
I don't feel much better this morning.
Time to Talk
We have been talking. We don't know yet if the marriage will stay the distance or not. I think we may be able to overcome some of the problems in our marriage but I don't know if I can ever come to terms with the fact that he has slept with another woman. He does not know for absolute certain that she is pregnant or whether she is just trying it on or winding him up. The chances are that she is, but there is still that tiny element of doubt. And I don't know if I can deal with it.
We have decided that we are not telling our girls about anything yet. He will tell that we are having some difficulties in our marriage but we are trying to sort it out. As and when we need to say anything more to them, we will.
What I am finding really difficult to reconcile is that what I thought was a reasonable marriage (not fantastic but ok) is in fact a bit of a sham. I thought that he wanted a wife that would do the home stuff for him and look after the family so that's what I did. But it appears that he wanted that and everything else as well but would not do anything to help.
Most of the problems seem to stem from a lack of communication and also the different family backgrounds that we come from. He is turning into his father and that's not necessarily a good thing. His father was a good man but had some real faults (pessimism, hoarding, always having to be right, etc).
Some of the things that he has said today have really hurt me. Not because they were necessarily nasty but that they seemed so mean (to me anyway). Maybe it's the truth and I am just some sad, miserable, fat old cow who does not deserve to have someone like him :(
I had a long chat with his mum last night. He told her some of what was going on (the part about the baby, etc) but she did not know some of the other stuff that I told her (about internet, etc). She said that she felt physically sick at the thought of it. She said that she wouldn't want anything to do with the baby, but we shall see. We both agreed though that he was a dick.
I am still veering between wanting to stick his balls in a vice, punch him and her and hug him!! It's so confusing. I thought I was ok and then he said something else and now I am wanting to crush his balls in a vice again.
I have got some fantastic support from my friends and family. I am going to phone Talking Therapies tomorrow to see if I can get in to see them more quickly. I to talk to someone impartial who can actually give me advice, rather than the Samaritans who are there to listen and not give advice. I am going to try and talk to someone else I know who's husband slept with another woman and see how she dealt with it.
We have decided that we are not telling our girls about anything yet. He will tell that we are having some difficulties in our marriage but we are trying to sort it out. As and when we need to say anything more to them, we will.
What I am finding really difficult to reconcile is that what I thought was a reasonable marriage (not fantastic but ok) is in fact a bit of a sham. I thought that he wanted a wife that would do the home stuff for him and look after the family so that's what I did. But it appears that he wanted that and everything else as well but would not do anything to help.
Most of the problems seem to stem from a lack of communication and also the different family backgrounds that we come from. He is turning into his father and that's not necessarily a good thing. His father was a good man but had some real faults (pessimism, hoarding, always having to be right, etc).
Some of the things that he has said today have really hurt me. Not because they were necessarily nasty but that they seemed so mean (to me anyway). Maybe it's the truth and I am just some sad, miserable, fat old cow who does not deserve to have someone like him :(
I had a long chat with his mum last night. He told her some of what was going on (the part about the baby, etc) but she did not know some of the other stuff that I told her (about internet, etc). She said that she felt physically sick at the thought of it. She said that she wouldn't want anything to do with the baby, but we shall see. We both agreed though that he was a dick.
I am still veering between wanting to stick his balls in a vice, punch him and her and hug him!! It's so confusing. I thought I was ok and then he said something else and now I am wanting to crush his balls in a vice again.
I have got some fantastic support from my friends and family. I am going to phone Talking Therapies tomorrow to see if I can get in to see them more quickly. I to talk to someone impartial who can actually give me advice, rather than the Samaritans who are there to listen and not give advice. I am going to try and talk to someone else I know who's husband slept with another woman and see how she dealt with it.
Sunday 3 July 2011
Texts
You said you loved getting a text from her during the day. You said that M and T did it.
Well maybe that’s because she didn’t have to put up with you all the time so it was all fresh, new and fun with none of the day to day shit that I have to put up with.
M treats T like a lady, a wife, a person he cares about, not a slave or a piece of furniture. He makes dinner for them, he makes packed lunches, he vacuums, he gives her flowers, etc. Maybe that makes her feel worthwhile – not worthless. However, she does not put up with all the shit that I do. Maybe that's has always been my problem - anything for a quiet life.
There you go - that’s what I was upset about and I feel like a fool saying it out loud.
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