One of the main things to sort out in counselling is my inability to argue or to get angry or confrontational. If I had been able to do this maybe he wouldn't have got away with all the stuff he had over the years. All the internet chatting, all the advertising himself, trying to get with other people.
I don't know why I can't get angry or confrontational. It's probably something stuck in my head from when I was younger. That's the conclusion at the moment. But what was it?
Wednesday 20 July 2011
Tuesday 19 July 2011
Family Times
I wanted for my family what I never had growing up.
I wanted parents who loved each other and loved their children unconditionally.
I wanted family trips to the zoo and the beach.
I wanted games at home on a Sunday afternoon.
I wanted a father for them to play with and for him to teach them things.
I wanted to go for bike rides and picnics along the river as a family.
I wanted family holidays.
He had that with his family and doesn't know how special it is. Suggestions were met with rejection and now it's too late. It makes me so sad that our girls have grown up now and we have missed so much and can never get it back.
I wanted parents who loved each other and loved their children unconditionally.
I wanted family trips to the zoo and the beach.
I wanted games at home on a Sunday afternoon.
I wanted a father for them to play with and for him to teach them things.
I wanted to go for bike rides and picnics along the river as a family.
I wanted family holidays.
He had that with his family and doesn't know how special it is. Suggestions were met with rejection and now it's too late. It makes me so sad that our girls have grown up now and we have missed so much and can never get it back.
Monday 18 July 2011
Financial Implications
Have I considered the financial implications of him being the father? The answer is yes I have. He has lectured other people he knows on the responsibility of seeing their children and providing for them, even if they are not with the mother so he cannot not see this child.
Currently we have 2 girls and a grandson who are dependants. I don't know how that leaves me financially. His finances are fucked!! He cannot organise them to save his life. He lives for the moment and does not plan for the future. This has been quite obvious for a long time, ever since I have known him really. He gets money and spends it, mostly on himself (after mortgage, etc) and saves nothing for lean times.
When he was unemployed for seven months last time I swore I would not allow him to do it to us again, but it did happen and for a year this time.
When he was unemployed for seven months last time I swore I would not allow him to do it to us again, but it did happen and for a year this time.
Sunday 17 July 2011
Counselling
I wonder if there is any point in going to couple's counselling? Maybe it's something we should consider. He saw a counsellor last year and I started last week. My counsellor said we should consider couples therapy. Maybe it would clear the air to have an impartial advisor to referee us :)
On the other hand, is there any point? We will just keep going over the same things again and again. I am boring, I don't do anything, I never make an effort, all the effort comes from him.
On the other hand, is there any point? We will just keep going over the same things again and again. I am boring, I don't do anything, I never make an effort, all the effort comes from him.
Friday 15 July 2011
Respect
I am struggling with the apparent total lack of respect that I seem to get.
Yesterday I found out he was in the pub at the same time as her, with some mutual friends. When I say he was in the pub at the same time as her, I mean they were together in the same group. It is a mixture of people from the outdoor activity group and dj's who now come on a Thursday night to the same pub. She knows people from both groups and it is inevitable that the groups get together. It's a regular thing and she always seems to be there. Of course, I was really hacked off with this, was really miserable and we had words. Well sort of - he talked and I sulked :( Not very helpful but I wanted to wallow in self-pity for a while.
He doesn't seem to understand that it is my feelings that are being hurt by this. He turns it back on me and asks me what I want him to do about it!!! He asks if I want him to give up DJ'ing and doing an outdoor activity group because that is where the mutual friends come into it.
He says that it will look a bit strange if he suddenly stops going. But I don't understand why he can't say he is not going for a couple of weeks (hasn't got money, needs to do accounts, any reason really). All the more reason for him to give it up. He is not giving your marriage a chance. Do the people he goes with know? Do they think it's acceptable? If they do, how can they possibly think it is ok?
I still don't understand why his brother was there - he never goes on a Thursday. I reckon he phoned him. He said his brother wanted to talk to her and she ran away screaming when he got there!! I smell some sort of bullshit going on. I asked why I didn't get an invite to the little family gathering. I was asked why I wanted to go. Was it to make a scene, did I want to have a fight with her, did I want to embarrass myself, the DofE people, him? Why shouldn't I want to make a scene? Why shouldn't other people know what he has done? How long does he think it can be kept quiet?
Other people's feelings and opinions are obviously more important than mine. I don't know how many other people know that he slept with her. Of course he doesn't think it isn't his fault that he slept with her - he was coerced into it somehow (he obviously hasn't got any self-will or self-control nor does his cock). He is unwilling to accept responsibility for anything - for the baby, for us, for her, for my feelings. Nothing is his fault.
How can he not see it was an affair if he made her pregnant? Of course he says he was trapped into it. I don't know exactly what happened but how can someone be trapped into shagging someone or getting them pregnant. What did she make him do - wank into a cup and pour it in? He does not see that he had an emotional affair before he actually slept with her. He is deluded. Of course he will be wondering if he actually is the father until it is born and a DNA test is done. Either way - he still slept with her.
Yesterday I found out he was in the pub at the same time as her, with some mutual friends. When I say he was in the pub at the same time as her, I mean they were together in the same group. It is a mixture of people from the outdoor activity group and dj's who now come on a Thursday night to the same pub. She knows people from both groups and it is inevitable that the groups get together. It's a regular thing and she always seems to be there. Of course, I was really hacked off with this, was really miserable and we had words. Well sort of - he talked and I sulked :( Not very helpful but I wanted to wallow in self-pity for a while.
He doesn't seem to understand that it is my feelings that are being hurt by this. He turns it back on me and asks me what I want him to do about it!!! He asks if I want him to give up DJ'ing and doing an outdoor activity group because that is where the mutual friends come into it.
He says that it will look a bit strange if he suddenly stops going. But I don't understand why he can't say he is not going for a couple of weeks (hasn't got money, needs to do accounts, any reason really). All the more reason for him to give it up. He is not giving your marriage a chance. Do the people he goes with know? Do they think it's acceptable? If they do, how can they possibly think it is ok?
I still don't understand why his brother was there - he never goes on a Thursday. I reckon he phoned him. He said his brother wanted to talk to her and she ran away screaming when he got there!! I smell some sort of bullshit going on. I asked why I didn't get an invite to the little family gathering. I was asked why I wanted to go. Was it to make a scene, did I want to have a fight with her, did I want to embarrass myself, the DofE people, him? Why shouldn't I want to make a scene? Why shouldn't other people know what he has done? How long does he think it can be kept quiet?
Other people's feelings and opinions are obviously more important than mine. I don't know how many other people know that he slept with her. Of course he doesn't think it isn't his fault that he slept with her - he was coerced into it somehow (he obviously hasn't got any self-will or self-control nor does his cock). He is unwilling to accept responsibility for anything - for the baby, for us, for her, for my feelings. Nothing is his fault.
How can he not see it was an affair if he made her pregnant? Of course he says he was trapped into it. I don't know exactly what happened but how can someone be trapped into shagging someone or getting them pregnant. What did she make him do - wank into a cup and pour it in? He does not see that he had an emotional affair before he actually slept with her. He is deluded. Of course he will be wondering if he actually is the father until it is born and a DNA test is done. Either way - he still slept with her.
I don't think he is sorry this happened. I think he is sorry he got caught in the situation but he has no real intention of changing anything in his life to make me feel better. His doctor said that she also thought he had been trapped. I only have his word for that, and he will only tell what he wants of what went on. The doctor said that even if he had used a condom, it may have split or failed some other way. That's fine, but the chances of that happening are so small if he really did only shag her once!! Much less likely than not using one at all.
I am in a no-win situation here. Damned if I stay, damned if I go. Fucked either way.
I am in a no-win situation here. Damned if I stay, damned if I go. Fucked either way.
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Talking Therapies
Well, I had a good chat with the Talking Therapies guy today.
I think I've opened a can of worms with regard to my early life. He made me remember and realise things that I thought I had forgotten about. Things that have a bearing on who I am now and why I do things that I do.
He has suggested couples counselling, whether we split or stay. He thinks it will probably be beneficial to both of us to talk and make sure we are making the right decisions for the right reasons. Even if we split up, I would like it to be amicable, mostly because we have so many friends in common and I don't want the girls to think that they are stuck in the middle of two parents that hate each other, which we don't.
We discussed the main reason for me coming to see him. Originally it was because I thought he was having an affair and of course it turned out far worse than that!! I want to talk through my feelings with someone who specialises in getting people to talk and asking the right questions.
In hindsight I should have confronted him when he was advertising himself on the internet and let him know in no uncertain terms that it was not to happen again. But I didn't because I wanted the quiet life with no arguments.
My problem appears to be two fold. 1. my mother screwed me over for life with her actions when I was younger and 2. my husband has got some narcissistic tendencies that prevent me from ever "winning" with anything and him always having to be right.
A few years ago, we had an argument because I happened to mention and want to talk a bit about being a civilian observer on a Friday or Saturday night in town (seeing what they get up to and what they have to deal with). He has a problem with authority at the moment (police, tax men, etc) because of their "silly rules that prevent anyone from doing anything". He could not understand why I wanted to do this and stormed off, leaving me in tears trailing behind him in the middle of the night. All because he cannot, or does not want to, see anyone else's viewpoint.
His way is the only way - everyone else is wrong. Everyone has to want to go out to a loud pub to talk, everyone else is boring because they want to go somewhere quieter and talk. It's even for simple things such as what programmes are put on a computer, how the other dj's work, how I do the washing (!!). I just ignore him most of the time now - it's not worth the hassle of arguing about it. All these point towards a need for power and him having some narcissistic traits. Some of the things that he wants from our relationship (sex-wise) point towards him needing power. Hmm - there should be a few more interesting sessions with the counsellor!!!
Even as I type this I know this is all one-sided and there is always another side to think about. However, this blog is about me and my feelings, not worrying about other people feelings, like I always have done in the past. I spend too much time worrying about other people and not enough time thinking about me and my feelings and emotions.
I think I've opened a can of worms with regard to my early life. He made me remember and realise things that I thought I had forgotten about. Things that have a bearing on who I am now and why I do things that I do.
He has suggested couples counselling, whether we split or stay. He thinks it will probably be beneficial to both of us to talk and make sure we are making the right decisions for the right reasons. Even if we split up, I would like it to be amicable, mostly because we have so many friends in common and I don't want the girls to think that they are stuck in the middle of two parents that hate each other, which we don't.
We discussed the main reason for me coming to see him. Originally it was because I thought he was having an affair and of course it turned out far worse than that!! I want to talk through my feelings with someone who specialises in getting people to talk and asking the right questions.
In hindsight I should have confronted him when he was advertising himself on the internet and let him know in no uncertain terms that it was not to happen again. But I didn't because I wanted the quiet life with no arguments.
My problem appears to be two fold. 1. my mother screwed me over for life with her actions when I was younger and 2. my husband has got some narcissistic tendencies that prevent me from ever "winning" with anything and him always having to be right.
A few years ago, we had an argument because I happened to mention and want to talk a bit about being a civilian observer on a Friday or Saturday night in town (seeing what they get up to and what they have to deal with). He has a problem with authority at the moment (police, tax men, etc) because of their "silly rules that prevent anyone from doing anything". He could not understand why I wanted to do this and stormed off, leaving me in tears trailing behind him in the middle of the night. All because he cannot, or does not want to, see anyone else's viewpoint.
His way is the only way - everyone else is wrong. Everyone has to want to go out to a loud pub to talk, everyone else is boring because they want to go somewhere quieter and talk. It's even for simple things such as what programmes are put on a computer, how the other dj's work, how I do the washing (!!). I just ignore him most of the time now - it's not worth the hassle of arguing about it. All these point towards a need for power and him having some narcissistic traits. Some of the things that he wants from our relationship (sex-wise) point towards him needing power. Hmm - there should be a few more interesting sessions with the counsellor!!!
Even as I type this I know this is all one-sided and there is always another side to think about. However, this blog is about me and my feelings, not worrying about other people feelings, like I always have done in the past. I spend too much time worrying about other people and not enough time thinking about me and my feelings and emotions.
I don't know whether I feel better or worse after seeing him. Time will tell I suppose. I have another 5 weeks with him.
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Still Hanging In There
Well I am still hanging in there, just about. No further forward, no further back. I've still got everything on hold until tomorrow when I see the Talking Therapies man and try to make some sort of sense of it in my head. I am still veering between rage and tears.
On the upside - I had a fab day out with a friend on Saturday. We went shopping and ate cakes. Just a normal day with a lovely friend who I can talk to about nothing and about more serious things.
I had a chat with his brother at the weekend. He can't believe what has happened either. He had problems with his marriage and his wife left (very long story). He says that trust will form a major part of any future relationships that he has. He said that once trust has gone, what is there. I have to agree somewhat with this.
I am going out with my MIL for lunch today. I am looking forward to that.
On the upside - I had a fab day out with a friend on Saturday. We went shopping and ate cakes. Just a normal day with a lovely friend who I can talk to about nothing and about more serious things.
I had a chat with his brother at the weekend. He can't believe what has happened either. He had problems with his marriage and his wife left (very long story). He says that trust will form a major part of any future relationships that he has. He said that once trust has gone, what is there. I have to agree somewhat with this.
I am going out with my MIL for lunch today. I am looking forward to that.
Friday 8 July 2011
Keep On Swimming
Well, he has told the girls that we are having problems and are trying to work it out but we don't know if we will. He was with 2 of them, alone and it seemed like the right thing to do. He says they took it quite well. I think they know that things have not been rosy between us for a while anyway. I'm not sure how they will cope as time goes on but they have each other. I never really knew why my parents divorced, probably because of my mother's infidelity, but not actually certain. I spoke to the middle daughter earlier in the day when we were together. She is having problems with her boyfriend and was talking to me about them and it just seemed appropriate.
He then told me that she is definitely keeping it and should he go the whole hog and tell the girls about that. I told him no because only 2 of them were there and it would not be fair on them. I think we need to see how we go before dropping any more bombshells on them.
I got a piece of advice the other day about looking forward five years from now and imagine how I want your life to be. "If it's with him then go for it .... if not then make the changes.... just work through your feelings and do it for YOU. No-one really knows what anyone else's marriage is really like - but take your time to decide what's best for you." This is where it becomes difficult because, despite all his faults, I still cannot actually imagine living without him. Or maybe I just can't at the moment. But I cannot imagine continuing with the knowledge that he has a child with another woman :(
He then told me that she is definitely keeping it and should he go the whole hog and tell the girls about that. I told him no because only 2 of them were there and it would not be fair on them. I think we need to see how we go before dropping any more bombshells on them.
I got a piece of advice the other day about looking forward five years from now and imagine how I want your life to be. "If it's with him then go for it .... if not then make the changes.... just work through your feelings and do it for YOU. No-one really knows what anyone else's marriage is really like - but take your time to decide what's best for you." This is where it becomes difficult because, despite all his faults, I still cannot actually imagine living without him. Or maybe I just can't at the moment. But I cannot imagine continuing with the knowledge that he has a child with another woman :(
Tuesday 5 July 2011
Making Sense
I am still here - still trying to make sense of everything.
I have finally got an appointment to see a counsellor. It was supposed to be at the end of the month but has been brought forward to next week. I might actually be able to get things sorted out in my own mind as to what I want to happen.
I think that after speaking to a counsellor I will be able to move forward with my life. At the moment I am still thinking of everyone else and not necessarily myself. I have got to face telling my mother, my dad and grandparents!! Not looking forward to that.
She BBM'd him yesterday to tell him she had been to the midwife. He said that he wasn't convinced that she was pregnant. She then invited him over to do a test. Surely she wouldn't do this if she wasn't pregnant? He told her that he wanted a DNA test. Apparently she is about 9 weeks pregnant. I think the chances of her terminating are now very small.
He said last night that one of the women he knows from DJ'ing asked him a while ago if he was shagging her. I think he is finally coming round to realising that he was actually having a relationship with her, not just a bit of fun and banter as he saw it in his mind. Obviously people around him could see that there was an emotional relationship between them, even if it was not physical. I want to know what happened but I don't (if that makes sense). I have reiterated time and time again to him though that I cannot get over the fact that he has slept with another woman. Even if this woman had not got pregnant, she would have been the end of our relationship because he was emotionally involved with her. If he had a one night stand, maybe it would be easier to deal with?
He has told me that I can ask anything about anything and he will tell me. He does not see the point of lying or beating around the bush now!! I don't know if I want answers to some questions.
I have finally got an appointment to see a counsellor. It was supposed to be at the end of the month but has been brought forward to next week. I might actually be able to get things sorted out in my own mind as to what I want to happen.
I think that after speaking to a counsellor I will be able to move forward with my life. At the moment I am still thinking of everyone else and not necessarily myself. I have got to face telling my mother, my dad and grandparents!! Not looking forward to that.
She BBM'd him yesterday to tell him she had been to the midwife. He said that he wasn't convinced that she was pregnant. She then invited him over to do a test. Surely she wouldn't do this if she wasn't pregnant? He told her that he wanted a DNA test. Apparently she is about 9 weeks pregnant. I think the chances of her terminating are now very small.
He said last night that one of the women he knows from DJ'ing asked him a while ago if he was shagging her. I think he is finally coming round to realising that he was actually having a relationship with her, not just a bit of fun and banter as he saw it in his mind. Obviously people around him could see that there was an emotional relationship between them, even if it was not physical. I want to know what happened but I don't (if that makes sense). I have reiterated time and time again to him though that I cannot get over the fact that he has slept with another woman. Even if this woman had not got pregnant, she would have been the end of our relationship because he was emotionally involved with her. If he had a one night stand, maybe it would be easier to deal with?
He has told me that I can ask anything about anything and he will tell me. He does not see the point of lying or beating around the bush now!! I don't know if I want answers to some questions.
Monday 4 July 2011
Of Course I Have Problems Too
You were eager to help T with her problems but when I found out about practically running sex therapy sessions with her and then wrote you that letter because you would not or could not discuss it. I told you that I had been probably been abused when I was younger, a teenager. You did not care enough to talk to me about it – it was just brushed under the carpet as if I did not exist. Again, you wonder why I have problems talking to you or anyone!!!! You wonder why I have problems in that department. Again – failure!!!! I might as well have it tattooed on my head so that everyone knows. Great - another day spent in tears again. I've got to pull myself together ready for Brownies tonight.
Failure
It’s so nice to know that you are a failure. I have always known that I am but to be told it is heartbreaking. I went to bed last night with the word FAILURE going round in my head. Just that word FAILURE. Stupid, useless failure. FAILURE!!!
Failure as a wife, failure as a friend, failure as a mother, just a failure.
Yeah great - another night crying myself to sleep.
I don't feel much better this morning.
Time to Talk
We have been talking. We don't know yet if the marriage will stay the distance or not. I think we may be able to overcome some of the problems in our marriage but I don't know if I can ever come to terms with the fact that he has slept with another woman. He does not know for absolute certain that she is pregnant or whether she is just trying it on or winding him up. The chances are that she is, but there is still that tiny element of doubt. And I don't know if I can deal with it.
We have decided that we are not telling our girls about anything yet. He will tell that we are having some difficulties in our marriage but we are trying to sort it out. As and when we need to say anything more to them, we will.
What I am finding really difficult to reconcile is that what I thought was a reasonable marriage (not fantastic but ok) is in fact a bit of a sham. I thought that he wanted a wife that would do the home stuff for him and look after the family so that's what I did. But it appears that he wanted that and everything else as well but would not do anything to help.
Most of the problems seem to stem from a lack of communication and also the different family backgrounds that we come from. He is turning into his father and that's not necessarily a good thing. His father was a good man but had some real faults (pessimism, hoarding, always having to be right, etc).
Some of the things that he has said today have really hurt me. Not because they were necessarily nasty but that they seemed so mean (to me anyway). Maybe it's the truth and I am just some sad, miserable, fat old cow who does not deserve to have someone like him :(
I had a long chat with his mum last night. He told her some of what was going on (the part about the baby, etc) but she did not know some of the other stuff that I told her (about internet, etc). She said that she felt physically sick at the thought of it. She said that she wouldn't want anything to do with the baby, but we shall see. We both agreed though that he was a dick.
I am still veering between wanting to stick his balls in a vice, punch him and her and hug him!! It's so confusing. I thought I was ok and then he said something else and now I am wanting to crush his balls in a vice again.
I have got some fantastic support from my friends and family. I am going to phone Talking Therapies tomorrow to see if I can get in to see them more quickly. I to talk to someone impartial who can actually give me advice, rather than the Samaritans who are there to listen and not give advice. I am going to try and talk to someone else I know who's husband slept with another woman and see how she dealt with it.
We have decided that we are not telling our girls about anything yet. He will tell that we are having some difficulties in our marriage but we are trying to sort it out. As and when we need to say anything more to them, we will.
What I am finding really difficult to reconcile is that what I thought was a reasonable marriage (not fantastic but ok) is in fact a bit of a sham. I thought that he wanted a wife that would do the home stuff for him and look after the family so that's what I did. But it appears that he wanted that and everything else as well but would not do anything to help.
Most of the problems seem to stem from a lack of communication and also the different family backgrounds that we come from. He is turning into his father and that's not necessarily a good thing. His father was a good man but had some real faults (pessimism, hoarding, always having to be right, etc).
Some of the things that he has said today have really hurt me. Not because they were necessarily nasty but that they seemed so mean (to me anyway). Maybe it's the truth and I am just some sad, miserable, fat old cow who does not deserve to have someone like him :(
I had a long chat with his mum last night. He told her some of what was going on (the part about the baby, etc) but she did not know some of the other stuff that I told her (about internet, etc). She said that she felt physically sick at the thought of it. She said that she wouldn't want anything to do with the baby, but we shall see. We both agreed though that he was a dick.
I am still veering between wanting to stick his balls in a vice, punch him and her and hug him!! It's so confusing. I thought I was ok and then he said something else and now I am wanting to crush his balls in a vice again.
I have got some fantastic support from my friends and family. I am going to phone Talking Therapies tomorrow to see if I can get in to see them more quickly. I to talk to someone impartial who can actually give me advice, rather than the Samaritans who are there to listen and not give advice. I am going to try and talk to someone else I know who's husband slept with another woman and see how she dealt with it.
Sunday 3 July 2011
Texts
You said you loved getting a text from her during the day. You said that M and T did it.
Well maybe that’s because she didn’t have to put up with you all the time so it was all fresh, new and fun with none of the day to day shit that I have to put up with.
M treats T like a lady, a wife, a person he cares about, not a slave or a piece of furniture. He makes dinner for them, he makes packed lunches, he vacuums, he gives her flowers, etc. Maybe that makes her feel worthwhile – not worthless. However, she does not put up with all the shit that I do. Maybe that's has always been my problem - anything for a quiet life.
There you go - that’s what I was upset about and I feel like a fool saying it out loud.
Thursday 30 June 2011
And it continues
This was still all done by text but he said he is currently in a marriage with someone that he wants to go out with, stay in with and have sex with. Me on the other hand does not want to go out, stay in or spend any time with him and I cannot pretend that I am not faultless. I have never intimated that I am faultless.
I told him that he has been looking for something else for many years and did he not think that could be part of the reason for making me feel inadequate. I said I have put up with it for a long time and this was the final straw.
He said that an occasional yes rather than a guaranteed no was all he wanted.
I said it was also the fact that I have to do everything. He thinks he does everything but does nothing and that I am nothing more than a doormat. An occasional being nice to me wouldn't have gone amiss.
He said he had wanted to talk to me about life for years and has mentioned that things have not been good and was told to go f himself!! He wanted to tell me about the baby thing but was hoping to hear whether she was keeping it or not. She will most likely keep it with fucks his situation more which he says actually fucks mine as well!!
I told him that I poured my heart out to him in a letter years ago and he just ignored me. Why should I bother thinking that I could talk to him about anything else.
He then said that we could continue arguing about who ignored who the most but that is hardly helping.
I agreed and said it was time to call it a day. No matter what has happened or who thinks they are the most hard done by, I cannot forgive or forget this.
He spent 45 minutes on the phone to his mum's house between some of the texts yesterday. He says that his mum does not know so I presume he was talking to his brother.
He didn't get in till gone midnight last night (probably later). I went to bed about 1130. I slept fitfully and gave up and went in the youngest's bed at 530 this morning.
We didn't speak more than a few words this morning. I don't know what tonight will bring.
I have got a banging headache today that just won't shift. I have sent him an email with a link to my blog to give him some idea of what I have been through the last couple of months. Don't know what difference it will make though!
Just got back from the Sexual Health clinic. I felt such a fool for being there. I know they are probably used to seeing people like me but I am not used to being in a place like that. I am too old for that sort of thing (or so I thought) It was nice, don't get me wrong, but full of younger people. I wasn't bothered about being tested urgently because I know I am clean. But after thinking about the fact that she is pregnant and that meaning that unprotected sex has taken place and she has been single for a year, doing god knows what, I started to panic!! Anyway they are testing for all sorts, just in case. Results will come through in a couple of weeks. At least I will know one way or another.
On a positive note - my headache has gone thanks to caffeine, extra strong paracetamol and ibruprofen all together!!
Ho hum onwards and upwards!
I told him that he has been looking for something else for many years and did he not think that could be part of the reason for making me feel inadequate. I said I have put up with it for a long time and this was the final straw.
He said that an occasional yes rather than a guaranteed no was all he wanted.
I said it was also the fact that I have to do everything. He thinks he does everything but does nothing and that I am nothing more than a doormat. An occasional being nice to me wouldn't have gone amiss.
He said he had wanted to talk to me about life for years and has mentioned that things have not been good and was told to go f himself!! He wanted to tell me about the baby thing but was hoping to hear whether she was keeping it or not. She will most likely keep it with fucks his situation more which he says actually fucks mine as well!!
I told him that I poured my heart out to him in a letter years ago and he just ignored me. Why should I bother thinking that I could talk to him about anything else.
He then said that we could continue arguing about who ignored who the most but that is hardly helping.
I agreed and said it was time to call it a day. No matter what has happened or who thinks they are the most hard done by, I cannot forgive or forget this.
He spent 45 minutes on the phone to his mum's house between some of the texts yesterday. He says that his mum does not know so I presume he was talking to his brother.
He didn't get in till gone midnight last night (probably later). I went to bed about 1130. I slept fitfully and gave up and went in the youngest's bed at 530 this morning.
We didn't speak more than a few words this morning. I don't know what tonight will bring.
I have got a banging headache today that just won't shift. I have sent him an email with a link to my blog to give him some idea of what I have been through the last couple of months. Don't know what difference it will make though!
Just got back from the Sexual Health clinic. I felt such a fool for being there. I know they are probably used to seeing people like me but I am not used to being in a place like that. I am too old for that sort of thing (or so I thought) It was nice, don't get me wrong, but full of younger people. I wasn't bothered about being tested urgently because I know I am clean. But after thinking about the fact that she is pregnant and that meaning that unprotected sex has taken place and she has been single for a year, doing god knows what, I started to panic!! Anyway they are testing for all sorts, just in case. Results will come through in a couple of weeks. At least I will know one way or another.
On a positive note - my headache has gone thanks to caffeine, extra strong paracetamol and ibruprofen all together!!
Ho hum onwards and upwards!
Wednesday 29 June 2011
The Deed is Done
Well the deed is done. I put a couple of status updates on my FB, one saying d-day soon and the other saying dirty bit. The first related to uni and the second to a song. He text me saying that he assumed the updates were about us.
I explained what they were and asked if he had something on his mind to make him think they were. He said he had but so did I and that his main problem was that he didn't feel anything anymore.
I said that still didn't answer my question. He said it kind of did. And he said I could hardly look at him or talk to him anymore.
I simply said that maybe I couldn't at the moment. He asked why that was. I said "this is a conversation. Maybe you could man up and drop it into it" and not to turn it on me. This was a reference to the conversation that was between him and another person. He said he wasn't sure what I was saying.
Then I told him they story of the married man who thought it was fun to mess with a woman half his age and get her pregnant. I did then tell him that I had not wanted to do this in a text conversation. He said that was probably a fair comment and perhaps we should talk when he gets home (after doing a gig). I asked him if this was what he had expected me to say and don't forget to phone her and tell her that I know. He said he would rather not.
I asked him how many other people know and he said him, his brother, her, whoever she has told and whoever told me. I know that more people know, certainly of her friends.
He said he is still trying to convince her to get rid of it but that if she know I know then she may well keep it anyway.
I then told him that I don't care either way. As far as I was concerned our marriage is over.
He said that was his concern but I hadn't wanted to go out or stay in with or have married relations with him for years.
I told him I was not going to have this turned on me and have him make it my fault. The only thing I am guilty of is not saying something sooner and being a doormat.
I haven't heard any more yet - but he is at work.
I feel like shit.
He won't be home until midnight I expect, after his disco.
I explained what they were and asked if he had something on his mind to make him think they were. He said he had but so did I and that his main problem was that he didn't feel anything anymore.
I said that still didn't answer my question. He said it kind of did. And he said I could hardly look at him or talk to him anymore.
I simply said that maybe I couldn't at the moment. He asked why that was. I said "this is a conversation. Maybe you could man up and drop it into it" and not to turn it on me. This was a reference to the conversation that was between him and another person. He said he wasn't sure what I was saying.
Then I told him they story of the married man who thought it was fun to mess with a woman half his age and get her pregnant. I did then tell him that I had not wanted to do this in a text conversation. He said that was probably a fair comment and perhaps we should talk when he gets home (after doing a gig). I asked him if this was what he had expected me to say and don't forget to phone her and tell her that I know. He said he would rather not.
I asked him how many other people know and he said him, his brother, her, whoever she has told and whoever told me. I know that more people know, certainly of her friends.
He said he is still trying to convince her to get rid of it but that if she know I know then she may well keep it anyway.
I then told him that I don't care either way. As far as I was concerned our marriage is over.
He said that was his concern but I hadn't wanted to go out or stay in with or have married relations with him for years.
I told him I was not going to have this turned on me and have him make it my fault. The only thing I am guilty of is not saying something sooner and being a doormat.
I haven't heard any more yet - but he is at work.
I feel like shit.
He won't be home until midnight I expect, after his disco.
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Conversation Starter?
Well, he hasn't said anything to me. But the eldest is still here so he probably wouldn't.
I am running it through in my mind because he is not going to tell me.
Maybe I should ask him if he wants to hear a funny story about a married man that I heard who got a woman pregnant.
Or should it be
"Here's a conversation, feel free to drop in at any time - how was your day at work dear?"
Do I do it by text, by email or in person?
However it happens, it's not going to be easy.
I told another friend today. She asked me if I was ok and I just broke down and told her what has been going on.
It's the final straw that has broken me. I could just about cope with internet stuff, chat and even trying to arrange meet-ups. But this is a step too far.
I have got to do something soon because it is killing me. I am a wreck. I am so glad that the girls aren't at home this week. The youngest is at her boyfriends with the baby, the middle one is in and out at college and work and the eldest is only here for 24 hours recovering after her operation. She will be off home later.
I am running it through in my mind because he is not going to tell me.
Maybe I should ask him if he wants to hear a funny story about a married man that I heard who got a woman pregnant.
Or should it be
"Here's a conversation, feel free to drop in at any time - how was your day at work dear?"
Do I do it by text, by email or in person?
However it happens, it's not going to be easy.
I told another friend today. She asked me if I was ok and I just broke down and told her what has been going on.
It's the final straw that has broken me. I could just about cope with internet stuff, chat and even trying to arrange meet-ups. But this is a step too far.
I have got to do something soon because it is killing me. I am a wreck. I am so glad that the girls aren't at home this week. The youngest is at her boyfriends with the baby, the middle one is in and out at college and work and the eldest is only here for 24 hours recovering after her operation. She will be off home later.
It's so easy - not
It's so easy for everyone to say "kick him out", "get rid of him", "I wouldn't put up with it", "this is what you should do", "leave him". It's so easy when you are looking in on someone else's life but not when it's your own. You have an emotional tie to your own life - not to someone else's.
I know all that but it is still not easy at all. I have been with this man for most of my life, all of my adult life and have known nothing else. In some strange way I suppose I still love him but I cannot live with him at all any more. The thought of what he did just makes my skin crawl and the tears start afresh.
One person says just leave, another says kick him out, I don't know what to do - it's his home as well. Memories are here - both good and bad.
My girls are now my life. I would do any thing to protect them. It's going to be hard on them as well. They know their father is not perfect, but he is still their father. They know he is a twat but he is still their father.
I've got to deal with this now.
I've got to be strong.
I've got to put myself first for a change.
I know all that but it is still not easy at all. I have been with this man for most of my life, all of my adult life and have known nothing else. In some strange way I suppose I still love him but I cannot live with him at all any more. The thought of what he did just makes my skin crawl and the tears start afresh.
One person says just leave, another says kick him out, I don't know what to do - it's his home as well. Memories are here - both good and bad.
My girls are now my life. I would do any thing to protect them. It's going to be hard on them as well. They know their father is not perfect, but he is still their father. They know he is a twat but he is still their father.
I've got to deal with this now.
I've got to be strong.
I've got to put myself first for a change.
Sunday 26 June 2011
Idiot
You are fucking her. And she is pregnant!!!! What a fucking idiot. She is nearly half your age. What is she? 24/25/26 and you are 42!!!
Part of me wants to laugh at you and part of me wants to rip your balls off. Whatever possessed you to go there? Don't tell me - my wife doesn't understand me, I don't get much at home, we don't have sex any more.
I metaphorically want to kill you and her. That poor little bastard. I bet she won't get rid of it. How are you going to explain to to your mum that she will have another grandchild, but it will be 15 years younger and not belonging to your wife!!! Maybe you'll get the boy you always wanted that I was incapable of producing for you (failure again).
Do you want Sarah? Does she want you? She is welcome to you. She is welcome to everything that goes with you.
If she doesn't want you - where does that leave you. Not with me that's for certain. I could not live the rest of my life knowing that you cared so little about me that you fathered a child while you were still married to me. That is the ultimate betrayal. I can just about come to terms with that fact that you have had sex with someone else whilst married to me. I did not know this other person, it was a long time ago and I have come to terms with it now. But this is something totally different, too close to home for there to be any resurrection of our marriage.
I did not expect to get to 43 years old and have to be thinking about going to get myself checked for STI's!!!!!! Thanks a bunch for that.
I hate the thought of having to tell people. It crossed my mind to update my status to let everyone know if you haven't told me by the middle of this week, . I soon changed my mind when I realised that it would not be fair on the girls to find out this way. It is going to be hard enough already.
How are you going to tell me? As you say, it's not something you can just drop into the conversation, is it? "I've had a good day at work and, by the way, I have fucked someone else and they are pregnant. How was your day, dear?" Won't work, will it?
I hope you have been thinking about how to tell them. I hope you are shitting yourself about it.
25/6/11
Part of me wants to laugh at you and part of me wants to rip your balls off. Whatever possessed you to go there? Don't tell me - my wife doesn't understand me, I don't get much at home, we don't have sex any more.
I metaphorically want to kill you and her. That poor little bastard. I bet she won't get rid of it. How are you going to explain to to your mum that she will have another grandchild, but it will be 15 years younger and not belonging to your wife!!! Maybe you'll get the boy you always wanted that I was incapable of producing for you (failure again).
Do you want Sarah? Does she want you? She is welcome to you. She is welcome to everything that goes with you.
If she doesn't want you - where does that leave you. Not with me that's for certain. I could not live the rest of my life knowing that you cared so little about me that you fathered a child while you were still married to me. That is the ultimate betrayal. I can just about come to terms with that fact that you have had sex with someone else whilst married to me. I did not know this other person, it was a long time ago and I have come to terms with it now. But this is something totally different, too close to home for there to be any resurrection of our marriage.
I did not expect to get to 43 years old and have to be thinking about going to get myself checked for STI's!!!!!! Thanks a bunch for that.
I hate the thought of having to tell people. It crossed my mind to update my status to let everyone know if you haven't told me by the middle of this week, . I soon changed my mind when I realised that it would not be fair on the girls to find out this way. It is going to be hard enough already.
How are you going to tell me? As you say, it's not something you can just drop into the conversation, is it? "I've had a good day at work and, by the way, I have fucked someone else and they are pregnant. How was your day, dear?" Won't work, will it?
I hope you have been thinking about how to tell them. I hope you are shitting yourself about it.
25/6/11
What am I?
Mug
Walk over
Push over
Idiot
Fool
Stupid
Naive
Ostrich
Trusting
That’s what I am. That’s how you have got away with it for so long.
24/6/11
Friday 24 June 2011
Was it worth it?
Was it worth it?
Was she good?
How many times did you fuck her?
How many people are laughing at me?
Did you have a good laugh at my expense? Poor stupid cow sitting at home. She won’t know.
How long is it going to be until you tell me?
How many other people know about you and her?
Were you fucking her when we met for lunch?
I should have followed my instincts. I have not been wrong so far, just never followed them up.
How are you going to explain this to your mum, to your friends, to our children?
You are a fucking idiot and you can fuck off. I have had enough of worrying about what you are doing. I am trying to behave normally but it is so hard to do.
I feel sick every time I kiss you. I don’t want to feel that but I do. I imagine you kissing her and it makes me want to punch you.
It’s taken all the strength I have not to go to where she works and thump her.
I will wait for you to tell me. I want to make you suffer and have to tell me yourself.
24/6/11
Wednesday 22 June 2011
It's all gone Pete Tong!!!!
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
That’s all I’ve got to say.
It’s worse than I could ever have imagined!!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Tuesday 21 June 2011
It's so difficult
I am finding it very difficult to be anything resembling affectionate towards you at the moment.
I reckon this is because I know you are on the lookout for someone or something else, not me. That makes it very confusing. As soon as you knew you were going to Portsmouth, you were looking and inviting straightaway.
Makes me feel really good and not unwanted at all!!!!
21/6/11
Thursday 9 June 2011
Why do I bother?
I wonder why I bother.
Been down the pub?
Had to take Sarah home? Her status said she was going to bed.
She came in specially for you and had no intention of going home with Marc otherwise she would have come in with him.
What the fuck are you playing at? How did she get from the train station? Did you pick her up? Was it just you and her on the way home or did you take Rob home as well? I doubt it somehow.
09/6/11
Thursday 2 June 2011
My Fault
No matter what happens, it will probably be my fault. I am too fat, I am too boring, I can’t be bothered. All probably true but I have been worn down.
What is it with swingers clubs?
I now find you have been to another one. Not just the one in Newport but one near London as well!!! I know you have been because of one of the websites you belong to.
Yay, another obsession to add to your list. Do you remember when it was the Church? You were obsessed with it and wanted to visit. You were always on their website, trying to hook up with someone. I think we only went to Newport for our anniversary weekend because you thought you could get me to go there. What other reason was there to go to such a strange place?
Whatever you want, you get, in the material sense.
Amateur radio, a motor bike, sheds, flying, disco equipment, computer equipment, tents, cameras, watches, your car, your leather suite. Thousands and thousands of pounds spent!!!
You always have to have the best, the most expensive.
I don’t say anything about it because you would get it anyway!!
We were supposed to get a new bathroom when we re-mortgaged. No such luck. The extra money was spent on the car.
20 years I have been waiting to get some of the decorating done – that’s never going to happen, is it?
02/06/11
How long?
It’s been going on for years with one person or another.
Tracy James, Coca-cola girl, Ella and many more I can’t remember the names of. Ones I haven’t caught you with. Trying to arrange meet-ups and sex.
I have had enough of it now.
You have only been in your job for 2 days and already you are trying to meet another woman.
And what is it with this Sarah?
How does she fit in to it?
Are you aiming to fuck her?
I don’t actually care anymore. You have worn me down.
In one of your conversations with one tart, you said you had only had sex with two people. Who is the other person?
02/6/11
Wednesday 1 June 2011
In my head?
There are so many things going through my head.
I know so much, I have read so so much but cannot prove any of it.
Why did I throw all that stuff away years ago?
I know why – because I didn’t think I would need it any more. I didn't want to think about it any more.
I printed off reams and reams of conversations between you and Tracy James about meeting up when you were in Bromley. But it’s gone now.
Been reading about emotional unfaithfulness. It’s you exactly!!!! Great.
I have a permanent knot in my stomach.
I have a permanent knot in my stomach.
I feel sick.
I talk arguments through in my head.
I know exactly what I want to say but don’t have the courage.
I don’t want to know the truth but not knowing is sometimes worse.
01/6/11
Tuesday 31 May 2011
Why?
Why do I spend so much time worrying?
I worry when you are here.
I worry when you’re not.
I worry when you’re on the phone and you hide it quickly.
I worry when you are on the computer.
I worry where you’ve been.
I worry about who you’ve been with.
Why did it take you so long to get back last night? Where were you?
31/05/11
Sunday 29 May 2011
Suspicious Minds
Fuck you.
It makes me suspicious. Why won’t you mention her name? Why do you hide your phone? You were obviously shitting yourself earlier when I was on your phone. Trying to get it back off me in case I saw her name and the fact that you were messaging her. Thank you for ruining the weekend. I thought we had a good time that weekend until then celebrating Ben's birthday.
29/5/11
Thursday 26 May 2011
Definitely random mumblings
YOU KNOW WHAT – I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ANY MORE
YOU CAN GO SCREW WHO YOU LIKE
YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU LIKE
I DON’T CARE!!!!!
I am tired of crying over you and what you are doing to me
Tracy James
Cocacola girl
Sarah Dibley
Misty Tim/Ella
These are just the ones I remember off the top of my head. I don’t actually care if you have screwed them or not. You are fucking with my mind. Are you trying to send me insane – cos it’s working.
It’s all about you and what you want – whatever you want you get – amateur radio, flying, going to America for it, fireworks shit, now disco stuff. And who is there at the bottom of it – that’s right me. Trailing along pleasing everyone apart from me. Well that’s over – it’s now about me and what i want now.
I am fed up of you deliberately not mentioning her name. Even when I know she is where you are. Card from all her friends – written by her and her only – that’s a bit creepy isn’t it.
Why would she send you a wish list of pervy gear?
Why is your phone locked – it never has been before – why now.
So many fb messages on your phone bill – chat?
Why would you want to go and pick her up with flowers and chocs – you don’t even do that for me.
You make me sick
Websites – your profile is on at least 2 dating websites if not more. That’;s why you get message from them – they are not junk – you signed up for them. Married and looking?????? You boast about being married for 17 years and not wanting to split up. This would only happen if you get found out!!!!
26/5/11
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